GPS & Boys Going #1

Well, we made it back to the Chicago area after a very long ride from NC. All 9 of us loaded up at the crack of dawn yesterday morning determined to get home without making it a two-day affair. We put my husband and three of our boys in one van while myself, my dad, our other two boys and a friend piled into the other.

About an hour into the trip, I radioed my husband on the Nextel because we had gotten separated on the Interstate. He was going the wrong way! Hilarious, because he was the one who scolded me for buying the $200 GPS that guided my vehicle with ease to the right highway! Hee hee hee. Hubby said that it was all our son's fault who read the map wrong. They added an hour to their trip time. With gas at 4 bucks a gallon, that GPS was lookin' pretty sweet to me.

The ride home was uneventful except for the farting contest that my dad had with my teenage son. It was totally deadly. My son was in the very back seat of the van and my dad next to me. They even farted in their sleep! The rest of us thought we would die.

BTW, I do not understand why guys think that the world is their urinal! Where did they get the idea that just because they can pee along side the road, that they should? There is a nice golf course near my home and recently in the middle of the day, I was coming down the road and there was this guy peeing in the ditch with his fancy golf club clutched under his arm. I honked at him and waved! I saw another guy doing the same thing along the road on our trip (and then there was my dad with his "I have a doctor's permission to pee wherever and whenever I want.")

So we got to Indiana and exited I65 to take the backroads home and my kid's friend had to "go". He said it couldn't wait. My dad was driving and he spied a clump of trees but opted not to stop there because the shoulder of the road was too narrow. By this time, it was just getting dark out so he pulled over in a farm access road surrounded by fairly tall corn stalks.

So, my kid's friend, who is 16, btw, gets out of the van and with his back to us, positions himself directly in front of the headlights of the van and let it go. He stood there for three minutes it seemed. The hilarious part was that he didn't stand off to the side in the darkened corn field, he just went for it in the spotlight. He got back in the van and my dad and I were practically wetting ourselves and crying from laughing so hard.

"What's so funny?" he asked. We asked him why he went right in the headlights and he said, "Well, I wasn't going to face the road." Thank God for that, I said. I also thank God that guys have to sit for their other bathroom activities. Could you imagine? Ugh!

Fourth Of July

It's hot and humid here on Figure Eight Island in NC. Supposedly, there are lots of famous people who own homes out here. We saw John Edwards this morning riding a bike down the street for the July 4th parade. He looks the same in person as he does on TV (like a Ken doll). A week is plenty of time to spend out somewhere and we are ready for the 998 mile ride back home.

Life Vest Replaces Bra

After a day of jet skiing on the white sandy beaches of the Carolinas, I've decided that a snug fitting life vest may be the solution to all of my gravitational pull issues when it comes to "supporting the girls." Of course, the vest I was zipping up was a size too small, but it gathered everything so nicely and by the time the zipper reached the top, I was somewhat impressed; and for all practical purposes, my youth had been restored! I'm seeing an ad campaign targeting the just over 40 woman who has had a few kids and has lost the same 15 pounds 8 times!

Boys At The Beach

Greetings From Queen MOAB (Mother of All Boys)!

My husband and I and our five sons, son #2's best friend and my dad (ok, me with 8 males age 7 to 65) piled into two mini vans for a 998 mile trip to the beach. I have endured sixteen hours of driving, two days of "stop that, quit it, be quiet and no we're not there yet." We went through two tanks of regular gas along with several sudden spurts of internal gas to which my littlest one always says, "Safety." Not sure what that means. But the long and the short of it is we are here! We made it. Despite my serious doubts, we are actually having a pretty good time.

The ride was interesting and had it's moments. My dad drove for about 10 minutes and pulled over to put my 16 year old behind the wheel while grandpa took a 16 hour nap. We lost each other several times, but my dad's van had a GPS (which I was informed, by my husband, was unnecessary) and my van had my husband and the map.

The GPS made it to our final destination first, but our van would have beat them if they didn't require our 9 year old to pee in an empty water bottle. But, they had already pulled off the highway to let grandpa pee along side the road (it's his medication and he actually has a "Get Out Of Pee Free" card that makes it legal for him to urinate in random places for medical reasons.

Once we got here, we met up with the rest of the family: my sister, her son and daughter and my brother and his daughter. We are on the fourth day and you know what they say about house-guests and them being like fish....I'm sure everyone will be happy to resume normal life at the end of the week.